Dear Cassie,
I am a 30-year-old woman of Chinese descent, and I have been seeing a Caucasian man for five years. He is a military doctor and currently serving in the Iraq war. I am very worried about him, even though he is not battling in the front lines. I understand that he must be very busy because I have not heard from him in several weeks. Every minute I hope and pray that he will return home safely.

We have talked about marriage, but with him gone now, it has given me time to think about our relationship. We love each other very much, but he travels quite a bit for his job and we don't get to spend much time together. When he is home, it is very special. However, when he is gone, I am miss him terribly, especially now that it is long term and in a dangerous situation.

I am debating with myself whether this is the type of husband I really want. He is a wonderful, caring and intelligent man, and very dedicated to his job, but I am wondering if he will be as dedicated to me, and our family, if we are married. He can be called away at any time, leaving me home alone to hold down the fort. I have already invested so much time into this relationship and don't want to give him up like that, but I am also worried about our future. Can you give me some guidance, Cassie?

Thanks very much,
Eileen, Pasadena, California

Dear Eileen,
Your boyfriend has a noble and commendable position being a doctor in the military and serving in the war. Our prayers and wishes go out to you for his quick and safe return home.

For many people, their career is what defines who they are and gives them a sense of purpose in life. I'm sure he has invested much time and effort to becoming a physician, and it would be hard for him to change careers at this point. Before you decide where you want this relationship to go, you should discuss what both of your near-term and long-term career goals are, consider if those goals are achievable within an acceptable timeframe, and if you can reasonably accommodate one another.

Your feelings of doubt for the future are justified due to the nature of your boyfriend's demanding job. Occasionally, he'll need to be away in order to fulfill his responsibilities, and you will have to learn to be more independent when he is. When he is home, he may be on call or have to spend time doing work when you feel he should be relaxing. You must be prepared to accept this part of his job and be able to live with it, otherwise, you may feel frustrated that even though he is physically present, he is not completely with you. This is the nature of many hard-working and dedicated people, and their significant others must be supportive and receptive to this type of lifestyle.

A marriage should be a partnership where both husband and wife work as a team, share everything equally, support each other, have clearly defined roles and are willing to fulfill those responsibilities. If that does not exist, then it will be difficult to maintain a happy union because one partner may feel isolated, like he/she is doing more than their fair share, or there isn't enough emotional support to hold the relationship together.

I hope that you will look at all these facets of your relationship with your boyfriend, and be comfortable with your feelings before you make a marriage commitment. Best of luck to you both.

Cassie

Disclaimer: This advice column is intended as general discussion and information on the topic covered, and is not to be construed as rendering legal, professional, medical or financial advice. If you need professional advice, you should consult with an appropriate expert.

These articles may not be reprinted or reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from HKVP Radio.

---