Dear Cassie,
I am a 42 year old man. I am above average looking and am very financially secure. I enjoy life and like the outdoors. I am divorced and recently started dating women around my age. Two weeks ago, I met this beautiful Tawianese woman via a chat room. We exchanged several emails and went out for dates. It was like love at first sight. Our relationship went from friends to lovers in just two weeks. We have gratifying sex and she is the best lover I've ever had.

Three days ago, she asked me to be her steady boyfriend and wanted me to move in with her. I didn't give her an answer right away because I am also seeing other women. I really like her very much and enjoy being with her. However, I also like my freedom of meeting other gals. I think she suspects that I have other girlfriends and that's why she wants a commitment from me. I know I will lose her if I tell her that I do not want a commitment. I do not want to lose her because I really care for her, but I also do not want to stop meeting other women because of her.

Cassie, What should I do? Should I commit to the relationship and move in with her? We have both been married before. She was married for 11 months and then divorced. I was married for over 10 years and recently got a divorce. I feel liberated and am not looking to get into another serious relationship. How do I make her understand? Please give me some advice on this matter! Thanks Cassie!
Joe Lee, San Francisco, CA

Dear Joe,
It appears that you and your girlfriend have two completely different objectives in your relationship - she wants to settle down, and you want to be free. I would discourage you from moving in with her because I don't think either of you will be happy under these circumstances.

To maintain any kind of close relationship, you must have open and honest communication. It doesn't sound like you have been talking if she 'suspects' you have other girlfriends. You may not want to divulge all the intimate details of your love life to her, but she needs to know if you are currently seeing others so she can decide if she's willing to share you with them, and perhaps she may re-think the idea of having you move in with her.

Is sex a major reason you want to stay with her? If you've had little or no physical contact with a woman since your divorce, you may be in need of a sexual release, and she just happened to be there at the right moment. If you are seeing her as well as other women, then you are flat out using her, and I doubt there are many women who would be willing to stay in this type of relationship. If you want to continue seeing her, then you need to be sensitive to her needs if she wants an exclusive relationship with you.

Many women your age may be more interested in settling down and having a steady, long term relationship than playing the field, as you would prefer to do after being married for so long. There are many reasons for this: risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, having a constant person to depend on, or the desire to know you better before possibly committing to marriage in the future. If you are not receptive to this, then I would advise you go your separate ways and find someone who is willing to accept your free spirited personality. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

All the best to you,

Cassie

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