Dear Cassie,
I have a 19-year-old daughter who just finished her freshman year in college. She has been seeing a boy, who will be a senior, for the past three months and he is her first serious boyfriend. Now that they are on summer break, he has invited her to spend two weeks with him, across the country in California. She is excited and ready to go, but I didn't give her an answer yet because I don't want her to leave home to be with someone she doesn't know that well yet. She is an honors student, responsible and otherwise a very good daughter, but I'm afraid because this boy is older, and probably more experienced, that he might take advantage of her and possibly ruin her future. I have met him once and he seemed nice enough, but I don't want our daughter to be angry with us because my husband says absolutely not and I am undecided. Should I let her go or not? Thanks, Cassie.
Undecided Mom, Philadelphia, PA

Dear Undecided Mom,
You have a very valid concern about letting your daughter visit with her boyfriend, however, if you are worried about her having sex, I'm afraid that if they wanted to do it, they would have had plenty of opportunities while living on campus. For her protection, you need to make sure that she is using some type of birth control, and that she knows about sexually transmitted diseases and how to protect herself from them.

I suspect the real issue is that you find it difficult to discuss sex with your daughter. If you haven't had that 'talk' with her, now is the time. More likely than not, she knows more about the subject than you think, and she is already protected, but the best thing to do is talk it over with her so you know where she stands.

Both of you might feel embarrassed, and she may feel like you are trying to pry into her private life, but you can start by honestly expressing that you want her to be happy, but that you are concerned about her future and hope she understands her responsibilities being in a relationship. You can then mention that if she is planning to engage in sexual relations, that you could help her to explore birth control options and decide which is best for her. If she is already using something, then great. But if not, that means you will have to be informed of all the new and different methods, as technology has introduced many new options in the last decade.

If anything, this discussion will bring you closer as mother and daughter, and she will feel relieved that you are taking the initiative by offering to help her make this important life decision, rather than disallowing her from learning how to love, and becoming an independent person, because you can't do that any more. Your husband will also have to understand this, because he will be at risk of alienating her if he doesn't allow her some degree of freedom. However, if he is adamant about not letting her go, you might want to consider inviting him to come visit your daughter, which will also give you a chance to get to know him better.

Nineteen does seem very young, but if she is responsible, a good student and you can trust her judgment to make the right decisions, I see no reason not to let her go. She is at an exciting time in her life, and by letting her enjoy herself after studying so hard, I have no doubt she will truly appreciate your understanding.

I wish you all the best,

Cassie

Disclaimer: This advice column is intended as general discussion and information on the topic covered, and is not to be construed as rendering legal, professional, medical or financial advice. If you need professional advice, you should consult with an appropriate expert.

These articles may not be reprinted or reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from HKVP Radio.

---