Dear Cassie,
My problem is my parents. They immigrated from China more than 40 years ago, but refuse to integrate into the American society. They have what I guess is the typical Chinese immigrant dream - come to America, buy a home, run their own business, and make enough money to send their kids to the best colleges. The only thing is, they will not leave Chinatown because they say this is their home. They can barely speak English (who needs to when you are sheltered in a Chinese community where many in their generation don't either), won't touch American food, watch only Chinese videos and television, and just continue to live like they did when they were in China, including following all the old traditions. It's not that I'm ashamed of being Chinese or anything, but I feel like they should at least try to blend into the American society.

My older sister will be getting married soon, and not to a Chinese guy (gasp!), and we're trying to figure out how to help our parents communicate with her fiance's family. Fortunately, they are a lot more open-minded and receptive of our culture, but I'm afraid my parents will not understand the correct etiquette to follow. And they are big on face, so god forbid they do anything to embarass themselves. How do you think we should handle this? Thanks for your help!
Helen C, Los Angeles, CA

Dear Helen,
This is a very common situation among overseas Chinese who have raised children in other countries. They want to maintain their own identity and heritage to pass down to their offspring, but the children have already integrated into the new society and sometimes can't understand or accept the old ways of thinking. It's the classic immigrant parents vs. American born children conflict, and it's been portrayed in two recent popular films - 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' and 'Bend It Like Beckham'.

I don't think there's much you can do about changing your parents' mindset. Initially, I'm sure it was difficult for them to adjust to a completely new environment as immigrants. The first thing they usually do is find the things that are familiar to them so they can adjust to a foreign land, and once they are settled, it's hard to change. If they are doing well in their business and are generally happy and healthy, then I don't see a reason to force them to assimilate into a society where they don't feel comfortable, or perhaps don't even want to. They've worked hard to give their children a good life, and they should be allowed the freedom to live as they please.

As for helping to bridge the communication gap between your future brother-in-law's family and yours, I suggest your sister sit down with her fiance and decide exactly how they will conduct their wedding, and then explain to both sets of parents what to expect and what their roles will be. Out of respect, be sure to ask if there are specific traditions or rituals that they would like to have carried out, because these also need to be factored into the festivities. Since this marriage will be a melding of two different cultures, a little extra explanation regarding specific traditions might help both sides understand each other better, or there could be a lot of eyebrow raising. It might be a good idea to write down the agenda in detail for everyone involved so they know what their role is. If your parents don't speak or understand much English, then you and/or your sister should be prepared to translate, not only now but also in the future. Perhaps this will give them incentive to learn English.

Congratulations to your sister, and I hope she has the wedding of her dreams. I wish you all the best.

Cassie

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