Dear Cassie,
When I was in my senior year at high school, my parents decided to relocate to another state. When I graduated, I immediately moved back to my hometown to go to college here. I've now graduated from college about a year and a half ago, had a full time job, and recently became unemployed. My family misses me, and want me to move in with them.

The trouble is, besides spending time with family, their town has nothing there for me. There are no jobs in my field, the weather is not ideal, and there is no life or culture. On the other hand, while I enjoy living alone in the city, it's become a big hassle - the small apartment and the commute by foot. I also miss my family.

I've been thinking about moving in with my parents for the last 3 months but I can't reach a decision. Deep down, I feel if I move there, my parents will force me to help with the family business, and make me feel guilty if I don't. My unemployment income will run out in a couple of months, and I'm not confident I can find any jobs there for me. My parents live 2,000 miles away. Relocating would be a pretty big deal.

I also feel guilty about leaving my city life because of my girlfriend of 5 years. But yet, I also feel guilty if I don't spend time with my parents, I will regret it for the rest of my life, when they are no longer around. I also don't get along with my mom. Also, my family's financial situation, while pretty good at the moment, can be unstable because of the business they're in. Because of numerous financial incidents we've had in the past, I no longer trust them. What should I do, Cassie?
Sean, San Francisco, CA

Dear Sean,
I understand your difficulty in trying to find a solution to this dilemma. Your main concerns are whether to move back to the comfort and security of your family's home, or establish a career in the city and be close to your girlfriend. You options need to be considered in a way that will maximize your happiness.

Firstly, you have invested four years of college to enter your current profession, and have almost two years of experience in that field. If you truly enjoy what you do and want to develop it into your life passion, which I believe is what your job should be, then you need to be in a place where you can flourish. If that is the city, then I would encourage you to stay there and look for something that will foster your professional life.

However, it wouldn't hurt to search in an area closer to your family and see if there may be something you can try for a year or two so you can spend some time with them. If it's feasible, you can help out occasionally with their business so that you are at least making a contribution. This way, you are fulfilling your own career goals while helping your family. You might also think about starting your own business and becoming a consultant in your field. You can be the first to fulfill a niche market in that area if there is a potential demand for it.

Relocation would be a big deal, but think about this: wouldn't it be more cost effective to move back home temporarily than to go into debt living in an expensive city with no income? Perhaps you can set up a temporary arrangement, for example, rooming with your girlfriend until you can get on your feet again.

Guilt is a common tactic used by some people to manipulate others, especially parents over their children, no matter how old their offspring are. It motivates us to do what we think others expect of us, often at the expense of our happiness. Ultimately, we must choose to do what feels right for ourselves. You say you don't get along with your mother, yet you miss your family. Is she the one who inflicts the most guilt on you? I suspect this may be one reason you don't want to move back. Being in your 20's and an independent adult, you need to establish your own identity, apart from your family. It's not that you don't want to help, so you should give an indication that you care and want to contribute. If your mother is not willing to listen, then express your feelings to your father or a sibling who might be able to help communicate that to her.

If you can help the family without having to physically be there, then you should discuss those alternatives with them. Perhaps you can help them with paperwork, promoting their business, or assisting with some of their day-to-day logistics. Today's technology makes those tasks much easier. As long as you have made an effort and done your share, you shouldn't feel guilty about not moving back home.

Of course, you will have to discuss this with your girlfriend before you make any decisions. Five years together is a long time. Is marriage in the picture any time soon? If so, then that changes the entire situation. She should support you with your decision, but you also should include her in your planning. Do some brainstorming about your future together and talk about your ultimate career goals, where you both think you'd like to settle, and where you see yourselves in the short and long terms. If she will be a major factor in your decision making, then you should focus on where you want this relationship to go, and how to make it happen.

I hope this helps you decide which direction to take - to go back home or possibly start a new one with your girlfriend.

All the best to you.

Cassie

Disclaimer: This advice column is intended as general discussion and information on the topic covered, and is not to be construed as rendering legal, professional, medical or financial advice. If you need professional advice, you should consult with an appropriate expert.

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